This happened to me a long long time ago, if anyone asks me about it, I will lie. I promised myself I will take it to my grave, but I think it’s time I write my feelings out to be read by others. I had become accustomed to taking pregnancy tests, waiting for my period to arrive, and when it did I would celebrate it’s arrival by smoking a tiny joint. Now the guy I was involved with repeatedly told me to get on the pill. But I wanted to smoke, it was a difficult decision, cigarettes or sex, cigarettes or sex, I couldn’t decide. So I did not take the pill. He did not want to use a condom. You could paint IRRESPONSIBLE on our walls in red.
So now we had for a year got away with ‘withdrawal’. We both were happy. At the end of every month I would take a pregnancy test, the result would be negative (*note: I was always late). Then on one Friday I took a pregnancy test and it read negative, so I was happy waiting for my period to arrive (it was already a month late, but this was not uncommon with me, I’ve been 3 months late a couple of times [I know! I know!] ) and then I took the test on the following Monday, there was a faint pink line seen, very faint I accentuate. Might still be negative. So in three hours I took it again. The faint line appeared again. I lost it!
The first thing I did was I called the guy I was involved with and informed him. Doctor that he was, wanted to see the ‘faint pink line’ for himself, because I might have imagined seeing the pink lines twice! A million thoughts were running through my head,
First: I was late for class at my university
Second: Fuck, what the fuck was I thinking!! I live in India!
Third: My parents are going to kill me. (they think I’m a virgin)
Fourth: Get this thing out of me!!
Okay, not a million, but my head was swarming. So this guy I was involved with decided it’s time for a blood test. I live in the tiniest town in India, were everybody knows everybody. GOSSIP is the native language.
So we planned to drive out of town, on the highway we stopped at an emergency hospital, and had my blood test done. And then I rushed to my university. Through out the day, at my university, I wanted to shoot the people around me. I was very cantankerous. And I excused myself for it. The results came the next day, and yes I was pregnant, my HCG levels were fair enough for me to be pregnant. But the guy who I was involved with, did not want to rule out the chance of it being a molar pregnancy. So after a second blood test, which revealed my HCG levels were on the rise, I had to think of were I could get this abortion done. So the first place we called was Apollo hospital (a chain of well-regarded hospitals in India) and their response was why do you want this abortion? My response – ah…ah because ….yeah they hung up on me. That got me thinking…. is abortion illegal in India? Sometimes it’s hard to keep track with what is legal and illegal? [I didn't realize ganga was illegal until recently]. So I read-up online and found out with the male’s consent, it is legal, if the child has an in-correctable physical defect. But laws were different for each state. And I then read-up that the state in which I lived, had the most strict laws on abortion…..and also the most corruption [I know it's an irrelevant detail].
I made around four more phone calls…..all ended the same way. Then I called ‘Family Planning’, and they were most helpful [could also be because the guy who I was involved with did most of the talking....India just loves the Male-fucking-Species, oh and I forgot he also has an Australian accent... yes there is discrimination seen in India, between the Indian and Non-Indian, the Non-Indians get treated like fucking Maha Rajas].
The Family Planning Center insisted that I get an ‘Intra-vaginal scan’. So the next item on my agenda was to get this scan done. So this guy I’m involved with, lets call him Mr.X for the rest of my entry, talks to the lady at the reception of the scan center and gets me ahead of the queue [a) because he's a PHYSICIAN b) because he's a MALE PHYSICIAN c) because he's an AUSTRALIAN MALE PHYSICIAN ....damm that's 3 strikes]. On our way to the scan center, he had told me to drink a lot of water, so I was all tanked up when we arrived at the center. My bladder had to be full for them to perform an ultrasound first, followed by an intra-vaginal scan. The lady who took my scan, was very garrulous. “Oh…you’re so young, it’s very nice to see such young brides these days… all these girls now running off to start of their careers, where’s the time to start the family!??”. I so needed that! Mr.X wanted to accompany me through this scan, so we agreed to play fake Mr. and Mrs.X for this imbroglio. So for my ‘intra-vaginal scan’ they inserted a probe into my vagina, VERY uncomfortable.
The report said I was 3 weeks pregnant, no molar pregnancy or ectopic pregnancy, just a normal pregnancy. So after the report arrived, we proceeded to the Family Planning center, when we arrived, we were told that there was only one doctor, and she was busy at home, and will be busy for the next five days. This was after she told Mr.X that she would be waiting for his arrival that day. So because Mr.X was an MALE AUSTRALIAN PHYSICIAN he was allowed to call her at home, and a drug, ‘misoprostal’ was given to me without a doctor’s prescription. While this was happening, I was seated next to the receptionist, looking down at the floor like a good bride should, “When do you plan on getting married?” she asks. “Oh, I’m married, the wedding was a month ago, very romantic”, I added. After a while, she throws her head back in laughter and looks at me, “you’re not married are you? nor are you planning on getting married to him”. Nosy bitch.
So that night at 8, I took the pill, and waited. It was then that the RIGHT and WRONG issue slowly started floating in my head. I do know that life had not been given to the child as yet, but it could have been given until I cut off it’s air supply. [*Note: I refer to the child as it]. In two days time, I started bleeding, bleeding the fetus out.
I’ve told myself, that what happened was a warning for me not to be irresponsible, I do strongly believe that what I did was wrong, and I don’t defend myself for it. What’s done is done, I hope I never have to do what I did again.
