Today morning I got up with a feeling of malaise. Something in my stomach told me it’s going to be a bad day. My friend woke me up with a call at 9 am, I was a bit irritated, but I wanted to take an initiative to be nice, so I agreed to accompany her for her morning classes. Didn’t really bother me much. I spent most of the day sucked into my own depressing thoughts. I realized that faces were getting monotonous, food has started tasting bland and I’m completely bored with life. Some of my most lugubrious moments are when I’ve stepped out of my body and watch me watch my friends. They are that perfect painting from a gallery that is located in fucking disneyland. They have dreams, hopes, aspirations, boyfriends whom they narrowed done to be their fucking husbands and cheque books. They keep talking about keeping in touch and staying friends forever, while I feel myself forever chasing the rabbit like Alice in Wonderland.
I used to belive in debauchery, overindulgence and self-gratification. I can’t remember when I stopped. I’ve realised that I’m my own masochist, I dig myself my own grave, and I don’t know how to stop. Today, I had nothing to dream about, or hope for in the future. It’s not exciting for me that my future is unpredictable. While I was driving my car back home, I realised how alone in the world I am. No one existed except for me. The things that mattered to me, my art and music, all of a sudden didn’t matter anymore. I had never felt so alone. I hate that feeling of vacuum in my head, where my voices keep sucking me inside to be heard. No one needs to hear those voices. I’ve come to a point where I see myself as an extremely selfish, spoilt and self-centered person. I never was this way before. When did it start? Can I bring about a change? Or do I like the sensation of loneliness and do I thirst for more pain? I don’t know. But I do know I’m walking down a downward spiral.
4 Comments
October 25, 2008 at 2:58 am
Careful… I’ve been there. It’s not fun.
Though everything we do is pointless, it’s very important that we do it. How about skydiving? It might scare you just enough to make you appreciate everything once again.
October 26, 2008 at 2:02 pm
You’re right it’s not fun and everything does seem pointless on certain days. I’ve had quite a few of those days recently. I also know I can’t break this cycle. I know things will get better. I hate the waiting period.
October 27, 2008 at 12:28 am
Cheer up. Hope you feel better. I would so give you a hug.
October 27, 2008 at 3:40 pm