He was beautiful. He always looked like he was a part of an exquisite painting. I remember when I first met him I was instantly mesmerized. It was his eyes. In certain angles they looked like bright emeralds. The way he focused them on me. Only for a few seconds just to say he noticed me but not long enough to say he was interested. For those first few fleeting brief seconds I could not breathe. It was a freezing moment in time for me.
The next day we went to an art gallery. We sat at a greenhouse in the gallery drinking coffee talking art and music. The art we eventually saw was beautiful. That was just the beginning. It lead to us taking his dog for a walk around town. Then cake at his place. Followed by a late night movie and finally beer at his place. He never for a moment lead me to believe he might be remotely interested in me. He then opened his portfolio of sketches. They were sketches of nude women. Drawn very tastefully. They were beautiful. Women from his past he said. Then he started naming them.
He took me out for breakfast. We spoke about the oceans, deep sea diving and the life down under. I was fascinated with his life. It was not your everyday mundane routine. He was adventurous. I was completely lured by the danger and freedom in his life. I had never felt so caught up in someone before. Captivated by every word that came out of his parting lips.
We went out for drinks to a couple of bars one night. I was drunk in a couple of hours. He took me to the right bars. Bars that gave a stage for aspiring musicians no one cares to listen. We drove to the river. It was cold. The river was covered with ice. There was complete calm and quiet. It was peaceful. We rolled a joint and smoked it by the river. The stereo was playing Bob Dylan. We climbed out of the car and down to the river. The air was cold. No wind. We made our way back into the car. He jumped into the backseat. I jumped there too. I sat a little away from him. I was scared. What if he wasn’t interested in me? He said, “Come here”. I edged towards his lap. He pushed my hair behind my ears. “You have the most beautiful eyes”, he said. I could not speak. I could not breathe. He held my face in his hands and kissed me. It was long. Intense. Passionate. I’m not one to remember a kiss. This was a kiss to remember.
“My friend we met the other night also said you have the most beautiful eyes”, he said.
I still could not speak. Had a nervous smile on my face. He played with my hair while locking his eyes with mine for a long period of time. We said nothing. I was counting how many times I breathed in and out. I could barely breathe.
“Why don’t you come to my place for a bit?”, he asked.
” I have my period”, I stuttered. I WHAT!?!?! How did I manage to blurt that out! It took me three seconds to realize what I just said. Could not do much damage control.
“Who said anything about anything”, he smiled.
We got into the front-seat and drove to his place. It was already past 2 in the morning. We stepped into his house. His beautiful dog was there waiting for us. I spent sometime petting the dog. We eventually got on the couch. We spoke for a bit before I stuck my tongue back in his mouth. I unclipped my bra. He made his way down to my breasts. Perfect he said. He turned the lamp on to take a look at them. Audioslave’s ‘Like a Stone’ was playing in the background. It’s that song that makes that moment perfect. Its that song that can take me back to that moment and remember in great detail exacting how I felt. Exactly how the room and his hair smelt. The song is always very important.
“Perfect”, he said again. He studied my breasts like an artist would study the object he intended to draw.
I asked him if I could undo his pants. He hesitated. I could tell the intoxication from the many beers and weed allowed him to say a ‘yes’. I took him in my mouth. He completely unleashed himself. There were no inhibitions. I could tell the magnitude of his pleasure with his movements. I had never felt more gratified giving anyone a blow-job. He came in my mouth. He never asked if he could come in my mouth. Most men would ask. I didn’t have a problem. I wanted to take a part of him inside me.
“You should go home”, he said. “I’ll get you a taxi”.
“I can get myself a taxi”, I said a little hurt and confused.
He eventually dropped me home a couple hours later.
We spent days and nights together in fancy restaurant drinking expensive wine. He opened doors for me. He helped me into my chair. I was with a gentleman. I wanted him inside me. No surprise.
It was late. We took his dog for a walk. I stepped into his house. Only the night lamp was on. It gave the house a reddish effect. “Rusty Cage” by Soundgarden was on the stereo. Then we made love. We made passionate intense love. Not sex. Love. He was a giver. I was a giver. It was the perfect combination. I’m not a moaner. I was definitely moaning that night. Very vocal. The way he needed to feel every inch of my skin. Take every inch of me in eyes and with his tongue. I couldn’t get enough of him. I needed more. I needed to capture the moment. I needed to study it and remember all of it. I let myself GO for the first time. I let myself FEEL. I let the situation take control of me. I lost control. And it felt amazing. He was like the coated sugar on the chocolate cake that made the difference. I was tantalized.
His days didn’t revolve around me. I knew I wasn’t significantly important. I was just there and he was enjoying me. He swept me away but I didn’t show it. I knew better. Maybe he knew better.
Then it happened. We were standing outside his house one night for a smoke.
“You’re addictive”, I said.
“So are you”, he replied, “So are you.
Thats when I realized how similar we were in terms of commitment. We let ourselves feel but don’t let the other person know it. We believe in experience, in love and in happiness. But there is a correction – it’s not OUR love or OUR happiness. Just MY love and MY happiness. I’ve realized some people are born this way. To care about themselves more than anyone else. To be inconsiderate and put myself first in a relationship. To never compromise. To let the world revolve ME. That was ME and that was HIM. We were perfect for each other. We were both self-centered and stubborn.
I looked over towards him at a Leonard Cohen concert. He smiled. He was wearing white. His wavy blond hair looked so beautiful on him.
Leonard Cohen said, “I bless you with family and friends. And for those who are alone, I bless you with eternal happiness and peace”.
Thats what he gave me. He gave me happiness and peace. Thats what I needed. Thats what I want.
Intoxicating intense passion is an endowment to us. It can suck the air out of your lungs. You get caught in it’s tornado and never want it to let you slip away. Tornadoes are always fleeting. My tornado disappeared into the dust before I knew it.
All I have left is writings on this wall and albums in my closet to take me back 4 months to the ecstatic days that I wish to relive everyday.
“Don’t you know when you’re loving anybody, baby,
You’re taking a gamble on a little sorrow,
But then who cares, baby,
’cause we may not be here tomorrow, no.
And if anybody should come along,
He gonna give you any love and affection,
I’d say get it while you can, yeah!”
- Janis Joplin
